Blogger. After two years of silence on blogger, I am so sorry to tell myself it becomes a place for me to talk and as a place for me to talk myself. To 'someone' who does not exist as I have no one to talk to.
Life is not easy for most of the people. We deal with different problems and difficulties everyday. For a longest time, I think it is okay. My life is not too bad as I have my family and my own family.
Until the day I know that truth about my own family... until the day I know I am not married to the right person. The biggest part of my life is torn. I feel like I have wasted my past 7 years on something totally meaningless. I feel like I am totally betrayed and cheated. As I am married to a man who has never loved me but only considers our relationship and marriage as 'just how it supposes to be'.
I can work hard for my family and the man that I love. I can give up the chance to satisfying myself myself but let him to satisfy himself more. However, today, even myself can't tell whether I still love this man. When the day I found out I am not loved, I don't know if I can still love him anymore.
Day by day, I am just doing my housework. Cleaning the house, preparing food for my child, doing shopping as one thing I feel like I can make my home looks more completed, or having dinner, breakfast or lunch with my son on one side and my 'husband' on the other side.
From when, he doesn't say miss me anymore, he doesn't say love me anymore. He may also find it disgusting to say something is not true from his mouth. He knows I know he doesn't love me. He should feel weird and awkward to say something is not true.
I had never thought about I would have a relationship like my parents. Married to someone that he/she doesn't love you. I was pretty sure that I don't want to have a marriage like that as I had grown up in such a family. No love, no intimacy, no communication but all about making a living. I would rather to grow up in a family with love but no money. Of course, we didn't have both until the very late of my childhood.
When I look into Sebby's eyes. I also feel sorry for him as he is basically raising in a similar family like mine.
When I try to ask myself why I seem never have any drive for intimacy... and now I found out the answer which I didn't realize. The answer is I have never received the true love. I have always been a tool for production and doing completing someone's lifetime milestones. I have never been considered as someone important. I am always the one who is blamed as a burden.
If I was told a bit earlier, I would not be pregnant again and be used again as a machine.
I have lost all my youth... my body will never go back to how it used to be. I am just a poor housewife who can only keep doing housework and busy for something meaningless from the beginning til the end.
Life is not easy for most of the people. We deal with different problems and difficulties everyday. For a longest time, I think it is okay. My life is not too bad as I have my family and my own family.
Until the day I know that truth about my own family... until the day I know I am not married to the right person. The biggest part of my life is torn. I feel like I have wasted my past 7 years on something totally meaningless. I feel like I am totally betrayed and cheated. As I am married to a man who has never loved me but only considers our relationship and marriage as 'just how it supposes to be'.
I can work hard for my family and the man that I love. I can give up the chance to satisfying myself myself but let him to satisfy himself more. However, today, even myself can't tell whether I still love this man. When the day I found out I am not loved, I don't know if I can still love him anymore.
Day by day, I am just doing my housework. Cleaning the house, preparing food for my child, doing shopping as one thing I feel like I can make my home looks more completed, or having dinner, breakfast or lunch with my son on one side and my 'husband' on the other side.
From when, he doesn't say miss me anymore, he doesn't say love me anymore. He may also find it disgusting to say something is not true from his mouth. He knows I know he doesn't love me. He should feel weird and awkward to say something is not true.
I had never thought about I would have a relationship like my parents. Married to someone that he/she doesn't love you. I was pretty sure that I don't want to have a marriage like that as I had grown up in such a family. No love, no intimacy, no communication but all about making a living. I would rather to grow up in a family with love but no money. Of course, we didn't have both until the very late of my childhood.
When I look into Sebby's eyes. I also feel sorry for him as he is basically raising in a similar family like mine.
When I try to ask myself why I seem never have any drive for intimacy... and now I found out the answer which I didn't realize. The answer is I have never received the true love. I have always been a tool for production and doing completing someone's lifetime milestones. I have never been considered as someone important. I am always the one who is blamed as a burden.
If I was told a bit earlier, I would not be pregnant again and be used again as a machine.
I have lost all my youth... my body will never go back to how it used to be. I am just a poor housewife who can only keep doing housework and busy for something meaningless from the beginning til the end.
